This Old Man, He Wrote Two

The passage that I am going to comment on today is not so often misquoted as misused. And I have to confess, that in the first part of my ministry I also misused it. Let me quote the passage from the NIV:

Ephesians 5:22-33

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Why do I say misused? It is misused because it is seen primarily as a message to husbands and wives and how they ought to live together. Let me tell you, that is not the purpose of this passage. How do I get to that you say?

First of all, let us remember that this is part of God’s message to his people. It is our Lord communicating something fundementally imporant to us. To get to that, we have to first ask the question, “What is the book of Ephesians about?” The answer is that this is Paul’s (God’s) treatise on the church. What is the church, how it came to be, how are we to act as a part of the church? The first three chapters are a “theological” description of how the church came to be, what is its shape, etc. The last three chapters are more “practical”, how we are to live as church in relationship to our Saviour, to each other and to the world in which we live. Paul gets real practical, outlining how we are to be different, to stand out and to stand firm.

So now let us get to our passage. If this is not primarily a message about marriage, what is it about? Paul gives us a couple of clues:

Verse 24  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Verse 25-27  … just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Verse 29-30 …  just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body.

Verse 32  This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

As we isolate these words, we find that this passage is first of all a picture of Christ and the church, how the bride gives herself to the bridegroom and how the bridegroom gives himself for his bride. As verse 21 tells us, it is a mutual submission. (Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.)

For many years this passage has been used at wedding ceremonies as a guide for a proper marriage relationship, and I am guilty of doing just that. That misses the real depth of what this passage is telling us. It is telling us of our deep relationship to and involvement with our Lover, our Husband, our Saviour. It is telling to note that the role of the Husband is dealt with in more detail than that of the Wife. She is simply told to submit as church to the Lord. The Husband’s role is laid out as one who gives, who dies, who cleanses, who prepares, who presents. It is his role which begins, maintains and completes the relationship. It is his purpose to make it work. And isn’t that so true of our relationship with our Lord. As the writer to Hebrews says, “He is the author and perfecter of our faith.” Jesus is the one who began the relationship, who did all things, even dying to make it possible to have a relationship and He is the one who will bring it all to completion on that final day, when we stand before him and are with him for eternity.

Now can this be used as a marriage ceremony text? Of course it can. For the word of God has much more to in than just one layer. This is a profound message to relate to those entering into marriage, it is great to use as a tool to help marriages grow. But if that is all we see it as, we are missing out on the greatness of who our Lord is and what He has done and is doing at this moment for us. Because what this calls for in our relationship to him, is a radical denying of self and submitting to him as he did when he submitted to the anger and fear of those who hung him on the cross. We are called to submit to one another. Jesus did his part when he submitted to us, now we have an obligation to submit to him in the same depth, in the same completness as he did, including going all the way to death, if it is called for.

So now, when I use this passage in Marriage Counseling, I use it this way: I say to the couple that they are not to look at what the other is to be doing, but to work at their part until they have it right. For the wife (bride) I ask the question, “Have you given yourself to your husband the way the church gives itself or should give itself to Jesus?. Until you have, you have no right to complain about how your husband (groom) is performing his role.” And to the husband (groom), “Have you died for your wife (bride) yet? Until you do, you have no right to complain about how she is performing her role.” They both need to get their parts right, before looking to the other. And once they do, it is amazing how well the marriage works.

Have a great day!